Turkey Talk

About this time of year my grandmother Bookie would call me from Alabama, letting me know that deer hunting season had officially opened. Now, when my Alabama relatives talk about hunting, they ain’t talking about rooting through the freezer case at the Piggly-Wiggly, looking for the Butterball big enough to feed all the cousins. No, they’re talking about the Real Deal, where you get up before the crack of dawn, dress in several layers of camouflage, hop into the old pickup truck, bump along country back roads, tromp through the forest, climb up into the tree stand, and sit. And sit. And sit. And sit.

Eventually, my butt falls asleep and I have to adjust my position, slightly. At which point Cousin Bubba jabs me and says, “Shh! You’re scaring away the deer!” Scaring away WHAT deer? Now, if Bubba had ever let me hold the gun, I might have enjoyed hunting more. As it was, the best part for me was afterwards, sitting around the kitchen table, listening to my grandfather Bobo’s stories. And the best stories were about hunting turkey.

In case you aren’t familiar, there are 5 subspecies of wild turkey in North America: the Eastern wild turkey, the Osceola wild turkey, the Rio Grande wild turkey, Merriam’s wild turkey, and Gould’s wild turkey. If you bag 4 out of the 5 subspecies of wild turkey in one season, it’s called a Grand Slam. If you bag all 5 of the subspecies in one season, it’s called a Royal Slam. To Bobo and his compatriots, the pursuit of the Grand Slam was a noble endeavor. None of this sitting around in tree stands business. No, to catch a wild turkey you must become a master of disguise. You must Become a Wild Turkey.

At this point in the story, Bobo would bring out his collection of gobbling devices –mouthpieces, called diaphragms. Look like retainers. Unlike retainers, however, upon insertion these diaphragms allow you to gobble like a turkey. Several of Bobo’s favorite mouthpieces were made from lead. However, when Bobo started acting a little crazy after long hunting trips, Bobo’s doctor recommended he switch to plastic.

Bobo never did achieve a Grand Slam -- although he and his gobbling devices brought home some trophy birds. He turned the meat over to my grandmother Bookie, who was a legendary Southern cook. And then he turned the carcass over to his taxidermist. The taxidermist would mount the turkey fan on a wall plaque. He would also cure the turkey claws and turkey beard, as toys for us grandchildren.

Maybe you have never played with a turkey beard before. Let me tell you, those birds can grow some serious facial hair: thick, black, and about 9 inches long. In fact, 10-20% of female turkeys also grow beards. Which makes me thankful, today, for tweezers.

In honor of Thanksgiving this year, I’d like to conclude with a tribute to turkeys. From the Butterball in the freezer case, to the Rio Grande roaming the wild, you turkeys know who you are -- and this song is for you:

A turkey sat on a backyard fence, and he sang this sad, sad tune,
“Thanksgiving Day is coming, gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble,
And I know I’ll be eaten soon!
“Gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, gobble,
I would like to run away.
“Gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, gobble,
I don’t like Thanksgiving Day!”

Happy Reformation Day, Kids!

What is Reformation Day? On October 31, 1517, Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany. This act started the “Reformation” of the church.

Who was Martin Luther? Martin Luther was born in 1483 in Germany, which at the time was part of the Holy Roman Empire. When Luther was 21 years old, he was almost hit by lightning during a thunderstorm. He was so afraid that he promised to become a monk.

Luther became a monk and then a priest. He continued to study the Bible and became a professor at the University of Wittenberg.

What was the Reformation? The Reformation was a time when Christians began reading the Bible for themselves. Luther and other Reformers challenged church leaders to follow the Bible instead of church tradition.

What were the 95 Theses? At the time, all churches in the Holy Roman Empire were controlled by the Roman Catholic Church. The leader of the Church was the pope. The Church was very corrupt. The Church taught that you could buy tickets into heaven, both for yourself and for dead family members. These salvation tickets were called “indulgences.”

Luther knew from the Bible that indulgences were bunk. He was angry that the Church was teaching things that were not true. He was also angry that the Church was tricking poor Christians out of their money.

Luther taught that salvation is a free gift from God. Christians are saved when we turn away from sin and believe in Jesus. Salvation does not depend on our good works or how much we give to any church. Luther wrote the 95 Theses as a challenge to read the Bible and have an honest debate about indulgences.

Quote from the pope about Luther: “Our pastoral office can no longer tolerate the pestiferous virus. . . the books of Martin Luther which contain these errors are to be examined and burned. . . We cannot suffer the scabby sheep longer to infect the flock.”

Quote from Luther about the pope: “I ask thee, ignorant Antichrist, does thou think that with thy naked words thou canst prevail against the armor of Scripture?. . . Does not thy meretricious brow blush that with thine inane smoke thou withstandest the lightning of the divine Word?”

What happened to Luther? Luther had many enemies, including the pope and the emperor. However, he was protected by a German prince, Frederick the Wise. Luther went on to marry a former nun and had 6 children. He continued to write books and hymns until his death in 1546, at the age of 62.

Never [?] Let Me Go

This is a story about care-giving, and sheltering.

Kathy, the main character, reminisces about her childhood at a boarding school called Hailsham. Hailsham and its guardians provided a happy and nurturing environment for its students. Unfortunately, these students, including Kathy’s best friends Ruth and Tommy, were human clones destined for organ donation and early death.

After leaving school, Kathy becomes a “carer,” the second phase of a clone’s life before becoming a “donor.” Kathy finds satisfaction in caring for others, and even cares for Ruth and Tommy before the “completion” of their donations.

Not only does Kathy care for others’ physical needs, she is keenly aware of emotional needs. Kathy repeatedly indulges the exaggerations and fantasies created by Ruth. In fact, Kathy perpetuates half-truths and small lies in order to keep Ruth from becoming upset. Kathy’s treatment of her friend echoes the sheltering environment of Hailsham.

Page 268 contains one of the key passages of the book, where the head of Hailsham speaks to Kathy as an adult: “You see, we were able to give you something, something which even now no one will ever take from you, and we were able to do that principally by sheltering you. . . . Very well, sometimes that meant we kept things from you, lied to you. . . fooled you. But we sheltered you during those years, and we gave you your childhoods. . . You wouldn’t be who you are today if we’d not protected you.”

This passage, and the book as a whole, raises an important question for those of us who are parents, who continually seek the balance between sheltering and letting go. (Note the book’s title.) Should sheltering involve protection from the truth? God is our ultimate shelter (Psalm 46:1-3), and yet God does not lie (Numbers 23:19, Titus 1:3). In fact, Jesus calls himself the Truth (John 14:6). I believe parents are responsible for providing truth on an age-appropriate, child-appropriate basis, without resorting to lies. I also believe we need each others’ help to work this principle out in real life.

Back to the book . . . Ishiguro is a master author. He pieces together an entire relational world, a mosaic of conversations, gestures, expressions, recalled by Kathy in exquisite detail. Nonetheless, there are significant gaps in the practical world. For example, the technicalities of the clone / donor system remain hidden. Perhaps this is the author’s way of sheltering the reader from morbid plot elements (or, perhaps, the scientific realities would have distracted from the relational emphasis).

I should mention that Kathy’s sexual experiences play into the plot of the story. While Ishiguro’s treatment of the subject is not particularly graphic, the story presents having multiple sexual partners as a natural and normal part of growing up. In the interests of appropriate “sheltering,” I do not recommend this book for younger teenagers.

Eat, Pray, Love

Disclaimer: I have not read the book. However, I did see the movie with four girlfriends from the neighborhood.

Liz (played by Julia Roberts) is in pain from a failed marriage and a broken, re-bound relationship. She doesn’t know what she is seeking. But she knows where she wants to look: Italy, India and Bali.

Along the way, Liz meets many interesting people and has an Excellent Adventure:

• She shares comfort food with a make-shift Italian family

• She struggles through spiritual disciplines at meditation retreat in India

• She learns to “smile from her liver” with a Balinese medicine man

The theme of Liz’s journey appeared to be “accept and forgive yourself” because “God is within you.” By the end of the movie, Liz is apparently satisfied with what she has found. But I, the viewer, was not convinced. I believe that the guru and the medicine man led Liz away from the path of true healing.

“Pastoral duty requires that we attend to people’s deepest need and most urgent danger, not that we shore up their self-excusing defenses. The ultimate goal is to lead people to a restored relationship with God through the grace of forgiveness. But without repentance there can be no forgiveness. And without the acceptance of responsibility there can be no true repentance.” Christopher J. H. Wright, The Message of Ezekiel.

Liz grieved, but never took responsibility. She never admitted the seriousness of her decision to break her marriage vows (without any real provocation). She never admitted how she had hurt her husband, and how she had hurt her young boyfriend. She may have “forgiven herself,” but she certainly did not repent or apologize. So how is she going to experience true forgiveness, other than some fuzzy feeling in her own head?

By the end of the movie, Liz had found love again, in the form of an emotionally-expressive Brazilian man working in Bali.

First, speaking from experience, I’m not sure 6-8 months is sufficient time to heal from a divorce, regardless of how many time zones you cross.

Second, I wonder whether Liz’s new-found world view, with a life centered around the “God within,” is sufficient to sustain her in this new relationship.

May God bless your journey as you eat, pray and love.

Dragon Tattoo Review

Stieg Larsson’s “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” is currently No. 2 on Amazon. (The second and third books in the series are No. 4 and No. 1, respectively). So I picked it up.

It was an intriguing start:

• A hard-working journalist (Mikael) is sentenced to prison for libel.

• A scrappy young woman (Lisbeth, the one with the dragon tattoo) works as a free-lance private investigator.

• A business tycoon (Henrik) grieves the mysterious disappearance of his foster daughter (Harriet), decades ago.

I was sucked in. And late for work.

Around page 249, the story darkens. Lisbeth suffers a brutal sexual assault at the hands of her supposed legal guardian. Instead of alerting the authorities, however, she plots her own sick revenge.

Around page 318, the story darkens again. The disappearance of Harriet is unexpectedly linked to an entire series of unsolved, grotesque sexual assault / murder cases. The perpetrator justifies his evil behavior using Scripture references.

By this time I am more than halfway through the book. Question: do I put down the book in disgust? Or do I continue my investment in the likable Mikael and Lisbeth?

I am beginning to understand why each section of the book begins with a brief statistic on sexual violence against women in Sweden (the author’s home country). Presumably, Larssen is trying to bring attention to this important issue. Question: do we need this type of attention?

In contrast to the several misogynistic perverts profiled in this novel, Mikael is portrayed as a kindly man who treats women, even misunderstood women like Lisbeth, as human beings.

Nonetheless, Mikael’s relationships with women are distorted in their own way. He allows an ongoing relationship with his “best friend” (Erika) to end his marriage. (By the way, Erika is still married, but her husband is enlightened enough to not have a problem with her periodic hookups with Mikael).

During the course of the novel, Mikael becomes romantically involved with two additional women, at their insistence. Although he is unflaggingly kind to them, the relationships end in heartache – interestingly, only for the women. They are emotionally unable to share Mikael with Erika.

Mikael is also kind to his daughter, although without any sense of obligation. He admits being an absentee parent and a “poor” father.

Assuming that Larssen’s intentions were good rather than prurient (a big assumption), his story does not illustrate any realistic solution to the problem of violence against women.

First, women need men who are not only kind, but faithful. Men who are willing to shoulder their responsibilities as fathers and husbands. While Mikael gets points for not being a sadistic pig, he still wounds the women in his life. Deeply.

Second, women cannot fight violence on their own. Lisbeth’s revenge is a fantasy. Women must be encouraged to seek justice from the authorities, not discouraged. Women need to nurture strong support networks, not live in isolation.

Third, we do not need a graphic portrayal of psychotic abuse to understand it is evil. Entering the mind of the enemy, especially as a form of entertainment, can skew our perception of what is acceptable. (For example, Mikael comes off smelling like roses). What is the benefit of experiencing an imaginary torture scene in your head?

Feel free to share your thoughts. Meanwhile, if you are interested in the topic of violence against women, I encourage you to visit http://thesheepfold.org/victim/victim-overview.htm for a truth-grounded perspective.

Patriotism and Good Manners

In honor of our Family Freedom Festival, I’d like to share some words from the first President, George Washington. When he was just a schoolboy, Washington transcribed his unforgettable “110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation.” I have selected some of the rules most meaningful to me, as follows:

Rule No. 5: “If You Cough, Sneeze, Sigh or Yawn, do it not Loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkercheif or Hand before your face and turn aside.”

Rule No. 12: “Shake not the head, Feet, or Legs rowl not the Eys lift not one eyebrow higher than the other . . . and bedew no mans face with your Spittle, by approaching too near him when you Speak.”

Rule No. 90: “Being Set at meat Scratch not neither Spit Cough or blow your Nose except there’s a Necessity for it.”

Rule No. 100: “Cleanse not your teeth with the Table Cloth Napkin Fork or Knife but if Others do it let it be done wt. a Pick Tooth.”

Thus, we can clearly see that the pursuit of Table Manners is a Patriotic Virtue. At least, that’s what I tell my three boys. One of them has probably bumped into you tonight. Let’s just say that gentility and tranquility are not their strong suit. And neither are Table Manners.

Thank God, there has been improvement over the years. Six years ago, my after-dinner routine included mopping down the walls and picking rice out of the carpet grain by grain. During the course of an average meal, we had five out of three kids spilling their drink. Think Raspberry Crystal Light – aka bug juice -- dripping between the table leaves.

Fortunately, these days we manage to keep the majority of our spaghetti on our plates, and the majority of our drink in our cups. But it seems we are still struggling with the basics: Chew with your mouth closed, Daniel. Don’t wipe your hands on your shirt, Zeppy. Jacob, stop guzzling your bug juice! Now!

Out of desperation, I did a little web surfing and discovered a book called “Manners Made Easy” by June Hines Moore. On the cover is a smiling, suit-clad little boy with angel wings and a halo. Perfect! When the book finally arrived in the mail, I ripped open the packaging and skipped to the final chapter, called “Table Manners.”

And I read, quote, “When sitting down to dinner, a gentleman seats the lady on his right, then any others who do not have a male escort.” I immediately sensed a disconnect. Our Table Manners problem is not a lack of male escorts. Our problem is an over-abundance of male escorts.

June Hines Moore is also fixated on Iced Tea and has a complete set of Iced Tea rules:

(1) If you use lemon in your drink, use your left hand to cover the right hand while you squeeze the lemon wedge.

(2) Don’t crumple the sweetener packet.

(3) The iced teaspoon is the only utensil you can prop. This avoids getting tea stains on the tablecloth. (Tablecloth?)

(4) Never leave a spoon protruding from a glass, you might poke yourself in the eye.

Which shows the wisdom of drinking bug juice.

Then I heard about Orange County Cotillion: The Complete Etiquette Experience. Lessons in Tablemanners, etiquette and Ballroom dance. Perfect! But when I called to register my 10-year-old, they told me that I would have to register a girl student as well. Turns out they have trouble with unescorted males, too. But I’m thinking, perhaps the mere threat of Cotillion is leverage enough.

In closing, I would like to leave you with some final words of wisdom from our First President:

Rule No. 107: “. . . talk not with Meat in your Mouth.”

I wonder how many times the First Mother made him write that one.

Summer Burns

I have a confession to make, I have issues with summer. It all stems from my childhood, from that traumatic rite of passage for young girls called “swimsuit shopping.” You see, as the daughter of a Southern Presbyterian minister, the standard for modesty in swimwear was set high, very high. My mother would spend weeks dragging me from store to store in search of the elusive, “modest swimsuit,” in other words, a matching turtleneck/sweatpants set, with a picture of a one-piece, navy-blue granny suit stamped on the front. Most years, we just settled for the one-piece, navy-blue granny suit itself, leaving me horribly exposed.

When I say “exposed” I’m not only talking “shortage of yardage.” I’m talking about exposure to the elements, in particular, the sun. You see, I was born with a skin condition: my melanin is severely challenged; my pigment is impaired; in other words, I’m a pasty white girl. The other day I was sitting in the living room with my precious step-daughter Jamie, whom I dearly love. Looking at my legs, Jamie remarked, “You know what they remind me of -- raw chicken legs! They even have the little red bumps and”

“Yes, sweetheart, thank you, I know.” I have known this since childhood, sitting by the pool with Stephanie and Jennifer. I’d smear on the Sunscreen 45, they’d rub in the baby oil. Give us an hour or two, they came out the color of some gourmet beverage from Starbucks, while I was the main entrée at Red Lobster.

Eventually I gave up. I decided that Laura only came in two colors, red and white. Since white was less painful, I moved to Boston, where turtlenecks are worn 3 ½ seasons out of the year and those who are born pasty white, stay pasty white. I lived there happily for over a decade, until one day I woke up in Southern California. Land of the eternal summer. I guess God wanted me to work on my issues.

And I have been working on them, little by little. For example, I did my swimsuit shopping early this year, online. I made “virtual Laura” try on all the one-piece, navy blue granny suits for me, it was a very healing experience. Even more amazing, I am actually working on a tan, in 3.5-minute increments. Which means… time’s up. I’ll catch you dudes later, in the shade.

Twilight: The Dangerous Book for Girls?

This weekend I read Twilight for the first time. Guess I’m behind the curve – apparently the third Twilight movie releases in 17 short days. We were on vacation, and my three companions (who will remain nameless) were relaxing with their iPhones. Not having an iPhone (guess I’m really behind the curve), I picked up the closest book, which happened to be Twilight.

Twilight is a romance between Bella Swan, a 17-year-old girl, and her classmate Edward Cullen, who happens to be a vampire. The story was engrossing. I admittedly lost a couple hours sleep over it, which somewhat defeats the purpose of going on vacation.

As I was reading, something about the relationship between Bella and Edward kept bugging me. And it wasn’t the fact that Edward happened to be a vampire. Everyone knows vampires are pretend! (right. . . ?) What bothered me were the parallels between Bella’s story and real-world, dangerous relationships.

1. Edward had a definite dark side. He had a bad temper AND he struggled with blood lust. At the beginning of the relationship, he treated Bella with cruel hostility. (Was it excusable simply because he was trying to control the impulse to drain her veins?) During key points in their relationship, Edward had Bella walking on eggshells. Just by being herself, Bella would accidentally trigger Edward’s darker nature.

2. Edward was very controlling. During their “get to know you” conversations, Edward drilled Bella like the Spanish inquisition. Edward changed his schedule so that they were taking all their classes together. Edward insisted on chauffering Bella to school, both ways. He would make fun of her car and refuse to let her drive. He would take her places against her will (i.e., the prom) even though Bella strongly protested and said she did not want to go.

3. Edward was extremely jealous and would become angry when he saw other boys becoming close to Bella. Bella expressed relief that she had not had any former boyfriends, so that she would not have to tell Edward about them.

4. Edward was a stalker. He entered Bella’s house without permission. Using his heightened sense of hearing, he listened in on Bella’s conversations. He followed her without her knowledge.

5. Edward held unequal power in the relationship. He was a beautiful immortal, with super-human strength and speed. He had unlimited funds. He had special senses that enabled him to read others’ thoughts. Bella, on the other hand, was awkward and insecure. She had just moved to live with her dad and had no close friendships. Edward would take Bella to remote locations, where she had no means of returning home by herself. She was totally dependent on Edward.

To his credit, Edward warned Bella that he was not good for her. Bella’s friends who knew Edward’s identity begged her to stay away from him. Bella knew that Edward was dangerous, yet she consciously chose to stay with him. She didn’t care about her human friends, she didn’t even care about her own human life. She was stubbornly confident that the “love” she shared with Edward would make everything OK.

Putting aside the vampire factor, anyone see a problem with this relationship?? Yet Twilight boldly celebrates the fantasy love between Edward and Bella. Judging by the sales of books, movies and DVDs, the continuing Twilight story has captivated millions of girls, and women.

If you read (and even enjoy) Twilight, please don’t stop there. Mothers, grandmothers, teachers, big sisters and friends -- we must recognize, and talk about, the signs of a dangerous relationship. We must not let a vampire romance cloud the judgment of the young women in our life. Because, in real life, a dangerous relationship is unlikely to resolve in a happy ending.

Fanny Finds Her Purpose

Our children's choir is learning "To God Be the Glory." Below is a short bio of the author, Fanny Crosby. I was impressed by a couple random Fanny facts: (1) her bizarre cheerfulness despite her disability; (2) her husband allowing her to keep her maiden name (since she was already well-known for her poems at the time of her marriage); and (3) her finding her true calling, hymnwriting, at the age of 44.

FRANCES "FANNY" CROSBY (1820 - 1915)


Fanny was born in 1820 in New York. When she was only 6 weeks old, she became sick with a cold. Her family’s usual doctor was out of town. Unfortunately, a quack doctor recommended that her family apply hot mustard bandages to her eyes, which caused her to lose her sight.

Despite being blind, Fanny was a happy and active child. She was writing poems by the time she was 8 years old. Perhaps because she was blind, Fanny had a fantastic memory. Her grandmother spent many hours reading the Bible to Fanny, and Fanny was able to memorize whole books of the Bible.

At 15 years old, Fanny moved to the Institute for the Blind in New York. She learned to play organ, guitar and piano while she was there. Fanny stayed at the Institution for 23 years, first as a student and then as a teacher. She continued to write poems and became friends with several U.S. presidents, including Presidents Van Buren, Polk and Cleveland. She fell in love and married one of her fellow teachers, Alexander Van Alstyne, who was also totally blind.

One day, when Fanny was in her 40s, a friend asked her to write a song for Sunday School. Fanny discovered that writing Sunday School songs made her incredibly happy. She said she had found her mission in life. Fanny went on to write about 8,000 hymns! Many of her songs have become well-loved and translated into other languages. Most importantly, Fanny’s songs have brought many people to Christ.

“To God Be the Glory” was written by Fanny in approximately 1875, when she was 55 years old. The song expresses praise to God for everything He has done. It also teaches important truths about the gospel, including the fact that we are saved by grace through faith. For example, the second verse says, “The vilest offender who truly believes, that moment from Jesus a pardon receives.”

Fanny died in 1915, when she was 94 years old.

Dating at Work

Steve was attracted to his co-worker, Sally. He looked for opportunities to talk to Sally at work. He called Sally at home on her day off. He also asked Sally out to dinner on several occasions. Initially, Sally was flattered by Steven’s attention. As time went on, however, Sally began to drop very polite hints that the attraction was not mutual. Steve did not pick up on Sally’s subtle rebuffs and continued to pursue her. On one occasion, Steve cornered Sally at work and demanded that she talk to him about their “relationship.” Because Steve was six inches taller than Sally, and about a hundred pounds heavier, Sally became fearful for her safety and reported the incident to her manager. Steve was fortunate to receive a written warning – instead of a termination notice – for violation of the company’s sex harassment policy.

Dating at work involves a dangerous mixing of our personal and professional relationships. On the one hand, since many people spend half or more of their waking hours at work, it can be a natural environment for meeting potential mates. If the relationship is harmonious and lasting, life will go on happily ever after, at work and at home -- right? On the other hand, when a person is “in love,” she doesn’t think about what might happen if the relationship goes south. She will still have to work with the other person, and be reminded of her heartache, on a daily basis.

In addition to the inherent dangers of heartache and embarrassment, employees must be aware of sex harassment laws. It is not unlawful to have a romantic relationship with another employee, as long as the relationship remains consensual. However, problems inevitably arise when one person is ready to end the relationship, but the other person is not. The interactions that take place during a messy break-up may or may not be consensual. Unwelcome romantic advances during the break-up period may form the basis for a sex harassment lawsuit.

Let’s say that a co-worker relationship was completely consensual, and that it ended in what you believed to be an amicable manner. Imagine that your ex-boyfriend nonetheless complains to your employer that he was sexually harassed. Most romantic interactions take place in private, with no witnesses. Thus, you must now defend yourself in a “he said / she said” situation. There are no guarantees that your employer will believe your side of the story over your ex’s.

Red-Light Relationships

There is one type of dating relationship that is always, unequivocally wrong. You should never date someone who is married to someone else. “You shall not commit adultery” is number seven out of the Ten Commandments, demonstrating how seriously God takes the bond of marriage (Exodus 20:14, Deuteronomy 5:18).

If you have warm, fuzzy feelings for your married co-worker, the book of Proverbs is your wake-up call. Proverbs uses graphic, life-or-death language to describe an adulterous person (here, a wife):

• She is “bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:4)

• Her feet “lead straight to the grave” (Proverbs 5:5)

• Her paths are “crooked, but she knows it not” (Proverbs 5:6)

• She preys on her lover’s very life (Proverbs 6:26)

• She has brought down many victims, and “her slain are a mighty throng” (Proverbs 7:26)

• Her house “is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:27).

Proverbs uses similar, life-or-death language to describe the foolish lover (here, a man) who falls for the adulterous wife:

• He “gives [his] best strength to others, and [his] years to one who is cruel” (Proverbs 5:9)

• His wealth becomes a feast for strangers, and his toil enriches another man’s house (Proverbs 5:10)

• At the end of his life, he will “groan, when [his] flesh and body are spent” (Proverbs 5:11)

• He will come “to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly” (Proverbs 5:15)

• He will be reduced “to a loaf of bread” (Proverbs 6:26)

• He is like someone who scoops fire into his lap or walks on hot coals (Proverbs 6:27-28)

• He “destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32)

• He is doomed to blows, disgrace and lasting shame (Proverbs 6:33)

• He will catch the fury of the husband’s revenge (Proverbs 6:34)

• He is “like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life” (Proverbs 7:22)

If you are daydreaming about the bliss of a relationship with your married co-worker, God has a pop-up warning for you: the image of a bottle of poison, complete with skull-and-crossbones! It is no wonder, then, that the apostle Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

While an adulterous relationship is wrong regardless of the circumstances, it creates particular problems in the workplace, due to the mixing of personal and professional issues described above. Your married co-worker has other responsibilities at night, so you will have to do your “dating” during the workday. The need for secrecy also creates anxiety and consumes your energy. These two factors alone can destroy your productivity at work. Next, imagine your reputation at work torn to shreds by co-workers gossiping behind your back. Imagine the angry spouse confronting you at work, creating a horrible scene in front of your boss. When your personal life goes down in flames due to an adulterous relationship, it may very well take your work life with it.

Yellow-Light Relationships

There is another type of relationship that, while not necessarily immoral, creates particular problems in the workplace. This is a relationship between a manager and a subordinate employee. When a boss is dating one of her subordinates, she may be tempted to treat him as “special.” The subordinate may also be tempted to try to get away with more than he should, because of his relationship with the boss. Even where the couple is absolutely circumspect about their working relationship, co-workers may grumble due to their perception or fear of favoritism. Thus, a manager-subordinate relationship can damage morale at work.

Another, more serious issue is the potential for a manager to abuse his power and coerce the subordinate into a romantic relationship. This type of abusive conduct can constitute unlawful, “quid pro quo” sexual harassment. Quid pro quo harassment occurs if a supervisor offers employment benefits in exchange for sexual favors, or if he takes negative employment action after his sexual advances are rebuffed.

As you can imagine, quid pro quo sex harassment, even more than hostile work environment harassment, creates legal exposure for an employer. Although you may believe that a relationship is completely consensual, your subordinate employee may not feel the same way. She may feel pressure to date you due to the fact that you are her boss. Regardless of the true situation, if your subordinate makes a complaint against you, it will again be her word against yours.

Because of the pitfalls of workplace dating, some employers have policies against “fraternization.” Such a policy may state that, if a manager and a subordinate employee become romantically involved, they must notify human resources. At that point, one of the two employees will need to transfer to a different position. If there are no alternate positions, one of the two employees will need to leave the company. Even without a written anti-fraternization policy, your employer may still get involved if it appears that your romantic relationship is interfering with your reporting relationship.

For all of the above reasons, dating between a manager and a subordinate employee generally means trouble. Nonetheless, your subordinate may be such an incredibly special person that you are willing to give up your position for the chance to have a relationship with him or her. If this is the case, make sure that both of you are on the same page. Then, you should either (1) request a transfer to a different position; or (2) disclose the relationship to your manager, so that the company may evaluate whether or not your relationship creates an unacceptable risk.

[Excerpt from "Work by the Book: How the Ancient Wisdom of the Bible Can Help You Stay Employed"]

L.T.L.

The Divine WHO DAT!

Some of you know, I grew up in Louisiana. So this is a big day for me, the Saints’ first time at the Super Bowl.

In honor of the occasion, I would like to quote an appropriate Bible verse (which would be much more difficult for a Colts fan). Romans 8:27 tells us that “. . . the Spirit intercedes for the Saints in accordance with God's will.” As much as New Orleans may need intercession (!), this verse is talking about something even more significant. We are the Saints, and God’s Spirit intercedes for us.

If you keep reading in Romans 8 (which I highly recommend), you will come across a wonderful passage which I call the Divine WHO DAT.

I grew up on the chant, “Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Dem Saints?” Well, God has a very similar victory chant, and it goes like this (loose paraphrase):

8:31: “. . . If God is for us, WHO DAT be against us?

8:33: “WHO DAT gonna bring any charge against those whom God has chosen (the Saints)? It is God who justifies. WHO DAT condemns?”

8:35: “WHO DAT gonna separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”

8:37: “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

In other words, Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat (Us) Saints!

Something to think about, regardless of which team you may be interceding for this afternoon.

L.T.L.

Favorite Authors for Boys

Picture Books (0 – 6 yrs)

Barton, Byron
Brown, Marc (“Arthur” – originals)
Henkes, Kevin (“Owen”)
Hoban, Russell
Hoff, Syd (“Danny and the Dinosaur”)
Johnson, Crockett (“Harold and the Purple Crayon”)
Kellogg, Stephen
Lee Burton, Virginia Lee (“Mike Mulligan”)
Lobel, Arnold (“Frog and Toad”)
Marshall, James (“George and Martha”)
Mayer, Mercer (“Little Critter” -- originals)
Minarik, Else Homilund (“Little Bear”)
Potter, Beatrix (“Peter Rabbit”)
Rey, Margaret and H.A. (“Curious George ”-- originals)
Scarry, Richard (originals)
Stevenson, James (“Could Be Worse”)
Viorst, Judith (“Alexander”)
Wick, Walter (“I Spy”)

Chapter Books (7 - 12 yrs)

Alexander, Lloyd (“Black Cauldron”)
Banks, Lynne Reid (“Indian in the Cupboard”)
Cleary, Beverly (“Mouse and the Motorcycle”)
Dahl, Roald (“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”)
Fitzgerald, John (“Great Brain”)
Fleischman, Sid (“McBroom”)
George, Jean Craighead (“My Side of the Mountain”)
Jaques, Brian (“Redwall”)
Lewis, C.S. (“Narnia” books)
McClosky, Robert (“Homer Price”)
Sachar, Louis (“Wayside School” and “Holes”)
Sharmat, Marjorie (“Nate the Great”)
Snicket, Lemony (“Series of Unfortunate Events”)
Sobol, Donald (“Encyclopedia Brown”)
Wilder, Laura Ingalls (“Little House”)

Young Adult Books (12 and up)

Asimov, Isaac (earlier works)
Bradbury, Ray
Card, Orson Scott (“Enders’ Game”)
Herriot, James (“All Things Bright and Beautiful”)
Kipling, Rudyard (“Jungle Book”)
Lewis, C.S. (space trilogy)
Tolkien, J.R.R. (Hobbit, Lord of the Rings)
Wells, H.G. (War of the Worlds)

Christmas Monologue 1

Christmas is the Season of Giving. Fortunately, at our church we have many ladies who are Gifted Givers – natural talents in tissue-rumpling, bow-tying and matching special something to special someone. Just take a look at the Secret Sisters flower cart. However, Christmas can be a challenge for Special Needs Givers like me. When it comes to giving, I have two problems– (1) I hate shopping; and (2) I have no Taste. It’s a lose-lose –by the time I find you that “perfect gift,” we’re both gonna be unhappy.

I like practical gifts. If it were up to me, the boys would wake up Christmas morning, rush to the tree, and unwrap a new backpack. Maybe even a new lunch box! AND in their stocking? A bar of soap and a coupon for a hair cut. On the other hand, my husband John thinks it’s not Christmas unless he can make the kids’ eyes “POP.” (Translation: he’s hidden the receipt so my eyes don’t pop.) The boys are lucky that Santa Claus is really their step-dad, and not their mom.

My Gift disability probably stems from my childhood. Dad was a Louisiana preacher. With four kids (me and my three younger brothers), we had no money for fancy Christmases. Nonetheless, my mother – who definitely has Taste – made the best of it. Every year, she took our beat-up, artificial Christmas tree, and turned it into a public works project.

First, the lights. For you younger folks, this was before pre-lit Christmas trees, and before lights were strung in parallel circuit. This meant we had to untangle the lights from last year, plug them in, and test every single bulb to find out which one was breaking the circuit.

Then, the fake snow. This was the heyday of hairspray and flurocarbons, where stores still sold snow in a can. We had our own little hole in the ozone, right above our house. Come on down, Santa!

Finally, Mom would let us kids hang the ornaments, which she immediately re-positioned in an even 360 degree distribution. As the finishing touch, she draped each branch with tinsel icicle strands.

The problem of Presents to go Under the Tree was left to my father – who, like me, definitely lacks Taste. Being a fundamentalist preacher, dad was something of a wheeler-dealer. On Christmas Eve, he would go to K-Mart and look for “unpublished sales.” One fateful year, my father saw opportunity in a pile of Zoid fragments.

You probably already know, Zoids is short for Zoic Androids, the metal-based life forms from the Planet Zi. Back in 1983, they were mildly (but not wildly) popular toys. My father scooped up the pile of Zoids – damaged packaging and all – and pressed the store manager into a bulk deal.

That year, there was an unprecedented number of presents under the tree. We were very excited. My brother Wells opened the first present – it’s a Zoid! But, some of the parts seemed to be missing. Dad said not to worry and passed my brother Hampton a present. Another Zoid! My brother John got -- a Zoid too!

I wasn’t worried, at least not at first. What parent would give their 12-year-old daughter broken Zoids for Christmas? Apparently, my father.

But don’t feel sorry for me – feel sorry for dad. Over the past 25 years, my brothers and I have gotten a lot of guilt trip mileage out of that Zoid Christmas. Long-term, it wasn’t such a bad gift after all.

Which brings me to my Christmas tip for all you Special Needs Gifters: eBay has some great deals on Zoids. Apparently now they’re a collector’s item.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

L.T.L.

Christmas Monologue 2

Last year you guys heard me moaning and groaning about being a “Special Needs” gifter – how much I hate to shop, how I can never find the right gift for the right person. Well, I looked online and found the solution:

(Direct Quote) “FREE VIRTUAL CYBER ELECTRONIC CHRISTMAS GIFTS YOU CAN SEND ON-LINE! Send Virtual Fun Gifts – Fast – Free – No Check Out Lines! Remember It’s The Thought That Counts! Select Category and Press “Go”:

Send Virtual Candy
Send Virtual Chocolate
Send Virtual Holiday Flowers
Send a Virtual Horse
Send Virtual Money!”

You can also send holiday gifts from Facebook. (Direct Quote) “Send free gifts to all your Facebook friends. There are gifts for lots of holidays including some you may not have heard of. These gifts are all virtual, but that doesn’t make them any less cool to get.” I can see the wheels turning for some of you Facebook junkies. Like, do they have gifts for Bosses’ Day?

I just started getting into Facebook this year, I have about 108 “friends.” They include relatives from Alabama, grade school friends from Louisiana, college friends from the East Coast, one opposing counsel . . . even some of you. It’s quite the collection. Some of my Facebook friends are good buddies, people I could go have a beer with. Some of them I would never have a beer with in a million years. Because they are 9 years old.

It blows my mind, the way you can channel surf your Facebook Friends:

• Kate L_____ is loving the cool weather that blew through last night.

• Shala C_____ thinks you have got to be kidding her.

• Sally S_____ is in labor.

• Gloria S_____ voted "No" in the President Obama says that they will have a Holiday Tree this year instead of a Christmas Tree.

• Skee S_____ (my one opposing counsel) says there is a Texas Hold Em' Tournament with beer pong tournament to follow, $40 buy in gets you in plus all the FREE food and drink (beer included) you can consume. . .

• Linda E_____ just completed level 2 of Artichokes mastery in FarmVille!

• Adam H______can’t say it enough, “I LOVE MY WIFE!!!” =) 9 people liked that comment, 8 of whom were women

Sometimes we imagine God up in heaven, surfing his Facebook account, except he has about 6 billion friends. And we’re all down here, posting crazy stuff on our status and trying to get God to click the “like” button.

But Christmas showed us God is not like that. I’m speaking from my faith tradition, obviously. But the whole point of Christmas is that God left Heaven and Came Down, as a baby. There’s nothing less virtual than a baby, especially one with a dirty diaper. God is not a Facebook friend, he didn’t give us a free cyber electronic gift. He gave us himself.

This has been a tough year for many of us, and for the firm. The tendency is to disengage from each other, to remain “virtual” friends. You can ask my legal assistant, I’m definitely guilty of this. When things get busy I shut my door and start spamming her with e-mails. So I wanted to thank each of you for the times that you have given of yourselves in 2009. My hope for the New Year is that we can remember to be a real-life support for each other, for the good of our clients that depend on us.

I’d like to close with the annual shopping tip for all your Special Needs Gifters: Virtual Eggnog. I hear it has 0 carbs.

L.T.L.

To Save a Life -- Movie Review

Plot:

The main character (Jake) is a high school basketball star with a cheerleader girl friend (Amy). Jake starts questioning the meaning of life when his childhood friend (Roger) commits suicide. Roger was a misfit and slightly disabled. Jake feels guilt for abandoning Roger during their freshman year, when Jake started becoming more popular and going out with Amy.

Issues Raised:

The movie delves into a number of serious topics, as follows:

Teenaged suicide and “cutting” (self-mutilation)
Drug and alcohol use by teens (including extended wild party scenes)
Teenaged sex, pregnancy, abortion and adoption
Parental infidelity and divorce
Hypocritical Christians (including the senior pastor’s son)

Spiritual Elements:

Jake is assisted in his journey by a very understanding youth pastor (Chris). The gospel is implied but not explicitly presented. We see Jake attending church and youth group, being baptized, having serious discussions with Chris, and praying. We see the youth group learning to love each other and reach out to “misfits.”

Elements of Potential Concern to Parents:

Exposure to serious, “older” teen issues listed above
Mild sex scene between Jake and Amy (Jake removes his shirt)
Immodest clothing worn by high school girls
Very mild profanity

Overall Recommendation:

“To Save a Life” does a good job showing Christianity in action. It also shows the consequences of sin, without being judgmental or preachy. I recommend this movie for older teens (15+). Some families may not be comfortable exposing their younger teens to the darker thematic elements and mild sex scene.