Dating at Work

Steve was attracted to his co-worker, Sally. He looked for opportunities to talk to Sally at work. He called Sally at home on her day off. He also asked Sally out to dinner on several occasions. Initially, Sally was flattered by Steven’s attention. As time went on, however, Sally began to drop very polite hints that the attraction was not mutual. Steve did not pick up on Sally’s subtle rebuffs and continued to pursue her. On one occasion, Steve cornered Sally at work and demanded that she talk to him about their “relationship.” Because Steve was six inches taller than Sally, and about a hundred pounds heavier, Sally became fearful for her safety and reported the incident to her manager. Steve was fortunate to receive a written warning – instead of a termination notice – for violation of the company’s sex harassment policy.

Dating at work involves a dangerous mixing of our personal and professional relationships. On the one hand, since many people spend half or more of their waking hours at work, it can be a natural environment for meeting potential mates. If the relationship is harmonious and lasting, life will go on happily ever after, at work and at home -- right? On the other hand, when a person is “in love,” she doesn’t think about what might happen if the relationship goes south. She will still have to work with the other person, and be reminded of her heartache, on a daily basis.

In addition to the inherent dangers of heartache and embarrassment, employees must be aware of sex harassment laws. It is not unlawful to have a romantic relationship with another employee, as long as the relationship remains consensual. However, problems inevitably arise when one person is ready to end the relationship, but the other person is not. The interactions that take place during a messy break-up may or may not be consensual. Unwelcome romantic advances during the break-up period may form the basis for a sex harassment lawsuit.

Let’s say that a co-worker relationship was completely consensual, and that it ended in what you believed to be an amicable manner. Imagine that your ex-boyfriend nonetheless complains to your employer that he was sexually harassed. Most romantic interactions take place in private, with no witnesses. Thus, you must now defend yourself in a “he said / she said” situation. There are no guarantees that your employer will believe your side of the story over your ex’s.

Red-Light Relationships

There is one type of dating relationship that is always, unequivocally wrong. You should never date someone who is married to someone else. “You shall not commit adultery” is number seven out of the Ten Commandments, demonstrating how seriously God takes the bond of marriage (Exodus 20:14, Deuteronomy 5:18).

If you have warm, fuzzy feelings for your married co-worker, the book of Proverbs is your wake-up call. Proverbs uses graphic, life-or-death language to describe an adulterous person (here, a wife):

• She is “bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:4)

• Her feet “lead straight to the grave” (Proverbs 5:5)

• Her paths are “crooked, but she knows it not” (Proverbs 5:6)

• She preys on her lover’s very life (Proverbs 6:26)

• She has brought down many victims, and “her slain are a mighty throng” (Proverbs 7:26)

• Her house “is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:27).

Proverbs uses similar, life-or-death language to describe the foolish lover (here, a man) who falls for the adulterous wife:

• He “gives [his] best strength to others, and [his] years to one who is cruel” (Proverbs 5:9)

• His wealth becomes a feast for strangers, and his toil enriches another man’s house (Proverbs 5:10)

• At the end of his life, he will “groan, when [his] flesh and body are spent” (Proverbs 5:11)

• He will come “to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly” (Proverbs 5:15)

• He will be reduced “to a loaf of bread” (Proverbs 6:26)

• He is like someone who scoops fire into his lap or walks on hot coals (Proverbs 6:27-28)

• He “destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32)

• He is doomed to blows, disgrace and lasting shame (Proverbs 6:33)

• He will catch the fury of the husband’s revenge (Proverbs 6:34)

• He is “like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life” (Proverbs 7:22)

If you are daydreaming about the bliss of a relationship with your married co-worker, God has a pop-up warning for you: the image of a bottle of poison, complete with skull-and-crossbones! It is no wonder, then, that the apostle Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

While an adulterous relationship is wrong regardless of the circumstances, it creates particular problems in the workplace, due to the mixing of personal and professional issues described above. Your married co-worker has other responsibilities at night, so you will have to do your “dating” during the workday. The need for secrecy also creates anxiety and consumes your energy. These two factors alone can destroy your productivity at work. Next, imagine your reputation at work torn to shreds by co-workers gossiping behind your back. Imagine the angry spouse confronting you at work, creating a horrible scene in front of your boss. When your personal life goes down in flames due to an adulterous relationship, it may very well take your work life with it.

Yellow-Light Relationships

There is another type of relationship that, while not necessarily immoral, creates particular problems in the workplace. This is a relationship between a manager and a subordinate employee. When a boss is dating one of her subordinates, she may be tempted to treat him as “special.” The subordinate may also be tempted to try to get away with more than he should, because of his relationship with the boss. Even where the couple is absolutely circumspect about their working relationship, co-workers may grumble due to their perception or fear of favoritism. Thus, a manager-subordinate relationship can damage morale at work.

Another, more serious issue is the potential for a manager to abuse his power and coerce the subordinate into a romantic relationship. This type of abusive conduct can constitute unlawful, “quid pro quo” sexual harassment. Quid pro quo harassment occurs if a supervisor offers employment benefits in exchange for sexual favors, or if he takes negative employment action after his sexual advances are rebuffed.

As you can imagine, quid pro quo sex harassment, even more than hostile work environment harassment, creates legal exposure for an employer. Although you may believe that a relationship is completely consensual, your subordinate employee may not feel the same way. She may feel pressure to date you due to the fact that you are her boss. Regardless of the true situation, if your subordinate makes a complaint against you, it will again be her word against yours.

Because of the pitfalls of workplace dating, some employers have policies against “fraternization.” Such a policy may state that, if a manager and a subordinate employee become romantically involved, they must notify human resources. At that point, one of the two employees will need to transfer to a different position. If there are no alternate positions, one of the two employees will need to leave the company. Even without a written anti-fraternization policy, your employer may still get involved if it appears that your romantic relationship is interfering with your reporting relationship.

For all of the above reasons, dating between a manager and a subordinate employee generally means trouble. Nonetheless, your subordinate may be such an incredibly special person that you are willing to give up your position for the chance to have a relationship with him or her. If this is the case, make sure that both of you are on the same page. Then, you should either (1) request a transfer to a different position; or (2) disclose the relationship to your manager, so that the company may evaluate whether or not your relationship creates an unacceptable risk.

[Excerpt from "Work by the Book: How the Ancient Wisdom of the Bible Can Help You Stay Employed"]

L.T.L.