In honor of our Family Freedom Festival, I’d like to share some words from the first President, George Washington. When he was just a schoolboy, Washington transcribed his unforgettable “110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation.” I have selected some of the rules most meaningful to me, as follows:
Rule No. 5: “If You Cough, Sneeze, Sigh or Yawn, do it not Loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkercheif or Hand before your face and turn aside.”
Rule No. 12: “Shake not the head, Feet, or Legs rowl not the Eys lift not one eyebrow higher than the other . . . and bedew no mans face with your Spittle, by approaching too near him when you Speak.”
Rule No. 90: “Being Set at meat Scratch not neither Spit Cough or blow your Nose except there’s a Necessity for it.”
Rule No. 100: “Cleanse not your teeth with the Table Cloth Napkin Fork or Knife but if Others do it let it be done wt. a Pick Tooth.”
Thus, we can clearly see that the pursuit of Table Manners is a Patriotic Virtue. At least, that’s what I tell my three boys. One of them has probably bumped into you tonight. Let’s just say that gentility and tranquility are not their strong suit. And neither are Table Manners.
Thank God, there has been improvement over the years. Six years ago, my after-dinner routine included mopping down the walls and picking rice out of the carpet grain by grain. During the course of an average meal, we had five out of three kids spilling their drink. Think Raspberry Crystal Light – aka bug juice -- dripping between the table leaves.
Fortunately, these days we manage to keep the majority of our spaghetti on our plates, and the majority of our drink in our cups. But it seems we are still struggling with the basics: Chew with your mouth closed, Daniel. Don’t wipe your hands on your shirt, Zeppy. Jacob, stop guzzling your bug juice! Now!
Out of desperation, I did a little web surfing and discovered a book called “Manners Made Easy” by June Hines Moore. On the cover is a smiling, suit-clad little boy with angel wings and a halo. Perfect! When the book finally arrived in the mail, I ripped open the packaging and skipped to the final chapter, called “Table Manners.”
And I read, quote, “When sitting down to dinner, a gentleman seats the lady on his right, then any others who do not have a male escort.” I immediately sensed a disconnect. Our Table Manners problem is not a lack of male escorts. Our problem is an over-abundance of male escorts.
June Hines Moore is also fixated on Iced Tea and has a complete set of Iced Tea rules:
(1) If you use lemon in your drink, use your left hand to cover the right hand while you squeeze the lemon wedge.
(2) Don’t crumple the sweetener packet.
(3) The iced teaspoon is the only utensil you can prop. This avoids getting tea stains on the tablecloth. (Tablecloth?)
(4) Never leave a spoon protruding from a glass, you might poke yourself in the eye.
Which shows the wisdom of drinking bug juice.
Then I heard about Orange County Cotillion: The Complete Etiquette Experience. Lessons in Tablemanners, etiquette and Ballroom dance. Perfect! But when I called to register my 10-year-old, they told me that I would have to register a girl student as well. Turns out they have trouble with unescorted males, too. But I’m thinking, perhaps the mere threat of Cotillion is leverage enough.
In closing, I would like to leave you with some final words of wisdom from our First President:
Rule No. 107: “. . . talk not with Meat in your Mouth.”
I wonder how many times the First Mother made him write that one.
